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Dear Kelsey,

I love authors. You know how much I love authors. I avidly follow John Green all over the internet, obsessively read Patrick Rothfuss’s blog, follow Maureen Johnson on twitter when I don’t even have twitter. I don’t even have to like an author’s books to fangirl–the only Neil Gaiman book I’ve ever actually read was Good Omens, and yet he’s such a great presence in the realm of author-dom that I can’t help but like him. 

So, when I lodge the following complaint, please know that it comes from a place of utmost affection and respect. 

Holy hand grenade, Batman, and Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ, can authors be annoying! 

I know, I know. The world of publishing is a frightening unknown, and sometimes all you want is a little guidance, a bit of encouragement, some junior-level employee to give you an accounting of every single minute of their day so you can be absolutely sure your book is getting the proper attention it deserves, and let me assure you, sir, that your book is a singular gem among these pitiful rocks and I believe I speak for the entire company when I say we want nothing more than to devote our entire staff to it and it alone. 

Seriously, Kels. People talk all the time about how great bookstore experience is, how relevant library volunteering can be, internships, working in a small company, blah blah blah. But let me tell you: the first candidate that walks through the door with babysitting experience? Hired. 



P.S. Did you see my post? Did you get it yet? I haven’t heard back from you, so I was just wondering. 

P.P.S. I’ll be right here in case you want to reply. I know you’re busy, so I’ll be right here. Waiting. Just let me know.